PLEASE STOP WEARING FROSTY LIPGLOSS; IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEONE CAME ON YOUR MOUTH AND YOU FORGOT TO CLEAN IT UP

Do I even have to continue writing this post? The title should say it all.

If for some lucky reason you’ve never come across this phenom, “cumgloss” refers to wearing a pink (or, God-help me, white) lip color that is so frosty and viscous in finish that it makes you look like you have a mouthful of jizz.

That’s right. I said it. A MOUTHFUL OF JIZZ.

This phenom was big in the 80′s, and has gotten much more popular recently. Obvs, this has to do with the Kardashians and Jersey Shore girls – they are HUGE cumglossers, and it looks even worse on them because after all, the darker your skin tone, the cummier the gloss looks.

Xtina wearing a matte version of cumgloss. So thick and creamy!

Cumgloss is as mortal a beauty sin as chola lipliner (which a friend of mine says looks like you’ve been licking ass all afternoon… another post entirely, but I digress). It’s NOT cute. I mean… you want your lips to look kissable so you can get your scam on, not scary and potentially herpes-ridden, am I right or AMIRITE? I’m right. Naturally.

LET ME BE CLEAR: I’m not hatin’ on super glossy, shiny, fuck-me lips. Cumgloss does NOT refer to the AMOUNT of gloss you are wearing, but the COLOR. If you need an example, see the picture above or check out NARS’ lip gloss in “Harlow”.

Now let me lay some beauty bible on you: Not every color looks good on every skin tone. WHAT?! THE FUH?! Shocking, I know. Knowing what looks good on you can be a delicate balance, but if you’ve got decent eyesight and have been wearing makeup for over a year, figure it out. Interestingly, cumgloss is much more prevalent than women wearing lip colors that are much too dark for them. I’m not sure why; maybe because it’s much more glaringly obvious that “Black Cherry” looks like shit on almost everyone.

If the look you’re going for is “I’ve been $ucking dick$ all afternoon” is the look you’re going for, though I can’t imagine why it would be, then feel free to ignore this post. If, however, you are a normal girl and not a porn star, please, please, please STOP wearing those frosty, white, shimmery, too-pale-for-your-skin-tone glosses and lipsticks – my eyes will thank you for it. You’ll probably start to get more dates, too.