PEPLUM, YOU ARE THE WORST

Dear Peplum,

I hate you. You are a terrible, awful, unflattering trend and I wish you’d go away. You are the WORST. Unfortunately, you’re damn near everywhere I look.

When I first heard of you, I thought, “That’s a cute name for a fabric,” because that’s what I thought you were, in the style of linen or hell, maybe even a print, like houndstooth.

I was wrong. You’re a style of clothing, and not even a fully realized one. I mean, if you want to be a ruffle, then go balls out and be a ruffle, not some bedskirt wannabe version of one.

You’re 50 yards short of even coming near “cute”.

You’re so sneaky, too. For example, some pink glittery fabric will catch my eye and I’ll run across the store to see if it’s something I need to add to my wardrobe, and oh look, it’s a gorgeous skirt… WITH YOU ALL UP ON IT.

Ugh.

If you were an actual person, I wouldn’t be caught dead hanging out with you – obvs, my stock would plummet. You think that if you hang around the cool kids, like lace and leggings, you’ll be cool by association, right?

WRONG. You’re not cool, and you’re only popular because you’re easy and you’re accessible. But you’re not fooling me.

You make midriffs look stunted, hips look wider, asses look fatter, beer bellies look chubbier, and short girls look shorter. I’ve heard the rumours that you can “accentuate” a narrow waist but honestly, I’m too busy laughing at the ridiculousness of you to notice.

“Look at that woman wearing a bedskirt,” I’ll say, and then I just feel bad because it’s not her fault you sweet-talked her into wearing you. She couldn’t help it. You are cheap and you are everywhere, so why not take the town bike for a ride, know what I’m sayin’?

Luckily, I don’t have any friends that like you either. We’re anti-peplum.

Look, Peplum, I know you were just made that way and you can’t help it, but seriously: if you were an ice cream flavor, you’d be pralines and ICK.

So do us all a favor – take yourself off the shelves, skip the clearance rack, and put yourself straight into the “damaged goods” section. That’s where you belong.

XOXOXO
Bren