That’s a screen shot from the unrated video for Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines,” a damn sexy song featuring the doesn’t-ever-age Pharell. Obviously, I edited the image a bit because let’s be real….

I do have a big dick. Two inches… from the ground, baby. NO LIES. Hours after I uploaded it, Carmen Electra released a new song titled “Bigger Dick” that made me feel like everything in life is kismet.

In an interview with LA Weekly, Electra calls the song “a campy homage to how modern women are ‘coming up and taking over.’” I simply call the song “the theme song to my life.”

I love the lyrics, I love the fact that my life becomes an instant party whenever I play the song, and in general, it’s a fun, poppy, tongue-in-cheek dance song that makes reference to lipstick – what more could you ask for?

I got that hair, nails, lipstick and a bigger dick than you…

If you answered, “Well, Bren, you obvs get a wild night with a super hot, totally scruffed out babe like Crush of the Month alum Jon Hennessey or super hottie Adam Levine,” then you’re not entirely wrong. But I actually have this amazing candle by Nest Fragrances in mind…

Photo: NestFragrances.com

This candle is my life right now. It’s wax-based formula blends together wild oats, mandarin ginger, and the essence of bourbon for a light, all-season friendly, non-distracting yet subtly sexy fragrance. It makes me think of walking into a good-looking dude’s house for the first time and being totally impressed by the ambiance. You know what I mean. Like have you ever walked into a potential new dude’s house and it smells so amazing without smelling like he perked up the place with an overly floral Bath & Body Works Diffuser or Febreze? He probably has this candle lit up, if not some other Nest Candle.

This also happens to be the candle I light when relaxing in the bathtub with a glass of wine (by wine I mean bourbon) and a good book (by good book I mean hot boy).

I know I keep comparing this candle to boys and babes, but I can’t help it. Is it because the name of the candle sounds like the name of a country song, and cowboys are totally hot and scruffy? …Possibly. But also: I associate hot dudes with bourbon and whiskey because, let’s be real, there’s nothing worse than some hottie sidling up to you at the bar and ordering light beer or a vodka soda. Ron Swanson said it best, “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”

If you don’t like bourbon, don’t fear. This only has the undertones of the scent: the wooden-barrel aged touch of it that blends really well with the wild oats, while the mandarin ginger keeps it from going too earthy or masculine.

Here’s the deets on NEST Fragrances, who have the cutest name for a candle company ever (get it? NEST, like you are NESTING? I had to explain this to my brother, so I put it here for all y’all undomesticated kids too). You can find their luxury candles at Saks, Bergdorf Goodman, Neiman Marcus, and online at NestFragrances.com. Wild Oats & Bourbon is available in two varieties: a $34 Classic Candle (60 Hours), or a $14 Votive (20 Hours, pictured above). Obviously, I recommend the one that burns for 60 hours.

DISCLOSURE: This candle was sent to me by NEST’s PR cuties so that I could live out my “Let’s pretend this is what Adam Levine smells like” dreams.

Darais! Photo via Darais’ blog.

I remember the first time I saw Darais. It was circa 2007 and I awake stupid early (8am) working a trend show at a local Nordstrom. The store had yet to let people in, so I was doing my usual artist-scoping when I saw one of the hottest guys I had ever seen in my life over at the Lancôme counter. He had an edgier, more rock n’ roll look than I’m used to seeing at Lancôme; tattoos, face scruff, bedhead and I think he might have even been wearing leather pants. I’m not even gonna lie: I was straight. up. staring.

I didn’t actually meet Darais at the time: I was hungover and just not all that into the (now-defunct!) brand I was working for, so I had kinda DGAF’d my makeup, and let’s be real: I was not about to introduce myself to Lancôme’s babe artist with crappy looking makeup. However, I pumped everyone around me for info – who is that, where did he come from, and how do I get some? It took me like 45 tries to figure out what his actual name was – Darius? Damien? What? God, speak English! – but I got all the deets: His name was Adam Darais, better known as just DARAIS, he had recently left MAC and was Lancôme’s new National Makeup Artist.

Obvs, I was in love for like, my entire shift that day. I think I have a crush on Darais because he reminds me of myself. God, I’m such a narcissist.

Jealous of that hair. Photo via Darais’ blog.

I eventually ended up working for Lancôme as an artist for a bit and crossed Darais’ path a few more times: always staring, never being sorry about it. Howevs, I had actually totes forgotten about Darais until recently (so many hot makeup artists to crush on, so little time). I spotted him at a trend show earlier this season and it was deja vu until I realised that I knew him. He looked a little different, a lot less rough around the edges… prettier, if you will. And oh, I will. Obvs, I went up to him and said, HEY AREN’T YOU DARAIS, and he was like, YES I AM, and then we totally eloped.

Darais and I. We are babes.

Okay I totally made that last part up, whatever, it’s my blog and I’ll lie if I want to.

Let’s get to the talent part. I like a pretty face but Darais is so much more. He’s still workin’ that brush for Lancôme, and he’s doing a damn good job of it. In fact, he was recently featured in Vanity Fair alongside SunHee Grinnell (VF Beauty Editor), gettin’ their cuteness on. While he’s never actually done my makeup, I’ve seen this dude transform women from haggard-to-hottie over and over again. Women LOVE him. In fact, another artist recently told me that when Lancôme launched Oscillation, that weird vibrating mascara, Darais would tell women, “it’s the mascara for your eyes AND for long car rides home, WINK WINK.” Like how could you not just melt all over that? I have no idea how he straddles the line between classy and sassy so well, but dude makes it an art form.

Darais workin’ his magic. Photo via Facebook.

This wasn’t – and isn’t – even about trying to get my makeout on with him, I just want to party with Darais. Dude looks like a good time, amirite?!

Get social with Darais: He tweets @Darais, Instagrams at @morningmakeupcall, and gets his blog on at Morning Makeup Call, which is just the cutest damn name ever. His blog is actually super-full of useful makeup tips that I should probably share here, but you can just visit it yourself. He’d totes appreciate it.

Well… That didn’t happen. So there I am, fully clothed, listening to “Suit & Tie” and just kind of… bored. What a waste. What does that even have to do with Daft Punk’s new song? EVERYTHING.

Featuring the ever-so-smooth Pharell, “Get Lucky” is what I expected “Suit & Tie” to be. It’s sexy, it’s danceable, it’s anthemic, and most importantly: it makes me want to get naked.

As I stream this song on Spotify, which approximately half the world is currently doing, this is what goes down in my bedroom. It’s magically transformed into a roller rink, complete with a bunch of strangers dressed in tight clothes and a disco ball being lowered from the ceiling. I’m in the center of it, rockin’ big hair and wearing the bootiest booty shorts and so much glitter that Ke$ha’s worried I’ve caused a national shortage.

The remarkably un-aged Pharell is manning the DJ booth, trying to holla at me. “I’m up all night to get some,” he sings, and silently mouths to me, “FROM YOU,” but the groove has captured me and I can’t be bothered with his sexual advances. I’m too busy rollerskate-moonwalking (moonskating?) up all night to the song, up all night for good fun. I’m a one-woman team on America’s Best Dance Crew in rollerskates: spinning, doin’ the worm, and twerkin’ on wheels. All the boys in the crowd are trying to woo me away for Couples Skate, but I only want to be coupled with this song. Out of nowhere Adam Levine appears and he’s like, I WANT YOU ON MY TEAM, like as if we’re on his show The Voice, and even though I’m so confused, that’s my cue. Clothes come off, panties drop, and my rollerskates end up tangled in lace.

Then the song ends and I’m back in the middle of my bedroom wearing a burnout tank and some booty shorts, stuck in a ill-advised attempt at the splits and I can swear my dog is laughing at me, and I’m like, “Wait, did I just take acid? Am I on drugs?” Thank god I’m only streaming it from my house and not in the middle of some blogger-filled coffee shop.

God I love this song.

First of all, let’s be real: I’m far too pretty for Coachella. I don’t do well and I don’t look good when you put me in the middle of a desert surrounded by sweaty people on drugs. In fact, that’s pretty much my nightmare.

But you, you’re probably going, right?

Did you plan your ridiculous outfit yet? Let me guess: a flower crown, a crocheted crop top over a neon bandeau, jorts with some type of stud detail, and some hideous shoes that you probably overpaid for at Urban Outfitters?

Oops, sorry, didn’t mean to insult you. Look, I don’t care about your outfit. Whatever you wear will probably just end up in the trash covered in dirt, vom, and sweat, so who cares. Let’s talk about the important things.

What kind of beauty products are you taking? You’re going to the DESERT to PARTY for THREE days. Don’t you think you should change your beauty routine just a bit? What? No? You’re just going to take the same stuff you wear all the time?

Oh, okay. That’ll work.

Who needs a stay-all-day makeup spray? Bitch, you going to Indio to party your face off, and that includes your makeup. It’s not as if you’re going to be taking lots of duck-face selfies and posting them on Instagram, so who cares what you’re putting on your face anyway?

Between the heat, the humidity in the tents, and yours and other people’s sweat, you probably don’t need something like a face primer or eyeshadow primer to keep your eyeliner near your eyes and not somewhere down near your nose. Waterproof mascara? Well, if your mascara ends up running, you’re gonna be wearing your new Wayfarers, so it’s not like anyone will see it.

Antiperspirant? Yeah babe, take your trusty tube of Secret with you. It barely works in the LA heat but it’ll probably keep you safe from not only regular sweat but thigh chafe and boob sweat.

Sunscreen? Oh.. yeah… There’s that one you still have from like, last summer. It looks like there’s like an ounce left, that will TOTALLY suffice. It’s probably expired but you’ll be fine, right? I mean, you did the same thing last year and even though you got sunburned, this time you are SO bringing a hat. You’re TOTES good to go, girl, TOTES.

Who cares? It doesn’t even matter. You’ll probably be on drugs or too drunk to care. Look, I’m not saying you’re going to look ugly without some Coachella-proof reinforcements. I’m just saying you’re probably going to pay the price for it when you come back. That place is a breeding ground for sunburns, breakouts, and damaged hair. That’s why I don’t bother doing a Coachella beauty round-up. You hot messes don’t listen to me anyway.

Oh, what am I doing during Coachella weekend? I’m seeing some bands here in town. It’s the BEST TIME to go to shows in LA: no one’s here so the creep factor is practically zero; I’m super into it.

But you have fun at the show! Call me next week when you need some DIY sunburn remedies. I’ll be here, searching the #Coachella hashtag on Instagram and laughing.

Photo Credit: Julep

Those aren’t my hands, but that is my actual lip print.

#1: Don’t Rush My Beauty Routine
I don’t care if no one’s going to see me, we’re not even getting out of the car, or we’re just making a Target run. We’ll leave when I decide my face is ready to leave. Don’t. Rush. Me. Believe me, you’d rather me show up 10 minutes late with a perfectly lipsticked smile than right-on-time with a scowl.

#2: Don’t Ask Why I Need Carry 12 Lip Products With Me At All Times
At any given time, my purse contains some version of this: 2-4 different lip balms (tinted and untinted), 2-3 shades each pink, red, and neutral lipsticks, 3 neutral glosses, a pink gloss, a shimmery gold gloss, a chubby lip pencil, and a lip stain. Yes, I absolutely need all of them, just in case I lose one, break one, decide pink doesn’t look good with this outfit, need some more staying power, or my lips get dry. I need to be prepared. Also, I like having options. Be grateful I don’t keep 12 dudes to date on-call at all times.

#3: Don’t Complain About the Glitter
I love glitter, but it’s a tricky little minx: it ends up everywhere. Years after we break up, you’ll still find some in your car, on your bed, and possibly on your face. I know, and I’m sorry. I’m not going to stop wearing it though, so don’t ask. Besides, it looks good on you.

#4: Be Pro-Active About the Messes I Make
No matter how much I try, I can never get all of my mascara off. When I spend the night at your place, it might end up on your pillowcase (next to all the glitter), just like my purple hair dye. Or my self-tanner/bronzing lotion. Oops. I’m sorry. I’m so used to this I forget that you’re not. Just keep black towels and a black pillowcase on hand for me, and maybe a pack of makeup wipes, and we’ll be okay.

#5: Don’t Complain When My Habits Rub Off On You
You used to be totally cool with a 3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/body wash (ew) and some shaving cream. Now your product collection rivals mine. It’s not my fault you want to look good for me. Just don’t take up any of my precious counter space.

#6: Don’t Ask Me Why I Would Pay Someone to Do Something I “Can Do At Home for Free”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked, “Why don’t you just paint your own nails / pluck your own eyebrows / dye your own hair / trim your own bangs?” It’s a stupid question. If I could, or if I wanted to – and some beauty girls do – I would! However, I feel those things are much better left to the professionals. I’d rather pluck all my leg hair out one by one than arch my own brows.

#7: NEVER Say, “Do You Really NEED a New Lipstick? You Have 12 In Your Purse!”
Don’t do it; it will be your kiss of death. Of course I don’t NEED a new lipstick, and of course I ABSOLUTELY need a new lipstick. If I say I need a new lipstick, there are 3 things you’re allowed to say:

• Let’s go to Sephora / Ulta / Macy’s!
• Let me buy it for you.
• Can you get one that tastes good in case I want to make out with you while you’re wearing it?

This doesn’t apply just to lipstick, by the way. If there’s a new product out and I want it, just agree with me that I need it. I don’t care if I have a million like it at home. I need it. For bonus points, buy it for me. If you promise to abide by these rules, you’ll be a very happy dude with a very hot and very happy girlfriend. It’s a win-win.

Clearly, Urban Decay understands where I’m coming from. To help me get my synergy on, the brand is releasing a new line of glitter-infused eyeshadows collectively known as MOONDUST. There are seven gloriously sparkling shades, all perfect for wearing while dancing around in your panties to Bowie in your bedroom at midnight.

♥ Moonspoon: Medium gray with bright silver sparkle (Not pictured)
♥ Diamond Dog: Deep brown with white-gold sparkle
♥ Intergalactic: Medium purple with bright silver sparkle
♥ Space Cowboy: Light champagne with bright silver sparkle
♥ Glitter Rock: Metallic pink with pink 3-D sparkle
♥ Zodiac Smoky: black with blue-green shift and blue-green 3-D sparkle
♥ Stargazer: Metallic lime-gold with gold 3-D sparkle

True story: The glitter in these eyeshadows is extracted from the sound of my laughter. Don’t believe me? Why ELSE would Urban Decay release these the week of my birthday? It ain’t kismet, cutie.

These eyeshadows are UD’s replacement for their STARDUST shadows, which are being phased out (they’re currently on sale for $9!). Don’t let that bum you out though: MOONDUST is far superior to STARDUST. The packaging is much better and the formula has ZERO fallout, which I can’t say for Stardust. I will miss that Bobby Dazzle shade though.

MOONDUST is available online at UrbanDecay.com starting April 9th at $20 a pop. Pretty inexpensive considering they are imported from OUTER SPACE.

Now, get your JEM on!

L to R: Dahlia, Chyna, Godiva, Vespa, Nyx, London

This is a SPECIAL TEXTURED EDITION polish from Zoya. What does that mean? It MEANS THAT IT IS AWESOME. It’s a matte, textured, sparkling polish with a sugary finish, topped off with a healthy infusion of magic and wonder.

Okay, wait what?! Did I just say magic?! Yes I did. These polishes have magic in them. I’m being totes serious when I say it was delivered to my door by a pink unicorn named Sparkles. We huffed glitter together and prank-called Ke$ha and Lisa Frank. It was good times.

Anyway… back to the polish. Zoya is already a favorite brand of mine, even though they DON’T have a nail polish named Bren; they’re always wowing me with their awesome formulas. Hell, they’ve even got me wearing a MATTE polish and I don’t even like matte finishes! In fact, I think matte finishes are THE WORST. It reminds me of what my nails look like after spending a day at the beach and building sandcastles: dusty, faded, grodes. These, however, have so much SPARKLE to them that you don’t have to trip about lookin’ like you have dirty beach nails. I also put a top coat over them (even though the directions say you shouldn’t), and it gussied up the finish without taking away from the texture.

The standout shade, especially for babes with bitchin’ olive skin, is GODIVA, a sups pretty champagne shower in a bottle.

I’d show you what it looks like on my own nails but I can’t right now. Bren’s tens are currently in nail-biter-rehab. SO GROSS, I KNOW, OKAY, BUT I WAS TRIPPING BALLS OVER A HUGE MEETING LAST WEEK AND WHEN I TRIP BALLS, I CHEW MY NAILS. YOU DON’T NEED TO TELL ME HOW NASTY IT IS, ‘CAUSE I ALREADY KNOW.

Zoya WILL be releasing a PixieDust collection for summer as well, and as soon as I get my rehabbed-manicured-hands on it, I’ll show it to you, and you will love it.

Sparkle hard y’all.

DISCLOSURE: The magical unicorn who delivered these editorial samples to me was sent by Zoya’s PR Fairies, so that I could try these out and sparkle harder than ever before.

Sara M. Lyons digitalized my cuteness.

♥ iTunes Giftcard for $25: I recommend buying the latest Ke$ha album, “Warrior.” I do NOT recommend buying something really stupid, like the new Justin Timberlake album. Just stream that ish on Spotify.
♥ A $50 credit to SOLE SOCIETY so you can buy any pair of shoes you want. Remember: the higher the heel, the closer to the top shelf liquor.
♥ A 6-Pan “Build Your Own Palette” Quad + 5 eye shadows of your choice from URBAN DECAY. Go crazy, get your brights on.
♥ Customized skincare regime from MARIO BADESCU featuring 5 products that are suitable for your skin type and concerns. This is obviously the best deal for girls who don’t take off their makeup after a night of party rockin’.

Dayum! Isn’t that an awesome giveaway? The UD Build Your Own Palettes have been around for awhile, but you can only buy them in quads. The 6-Pan one was LIMITED EDITION and has been unavailable for months now but I managed to sweet talk my way into one for you. It comes pre-stocked with “Walk of Shame,” a neutral matte nude shade, but the winner gets to choose the other 5 shades to fill it with. You’re lucky I worked it this way, ’cause if it were up to me, you’d get a palette full of “Midnight Cowgirl,” the only eye shadow I’ve ever been faithful to.

To enter this sweet giveaway, all you gotta do is leave a comment here proving you actually read the site. SOUNDS EASY, RIGHT? Tell me about something I love, or something I hate; who my current Internet crush is (or even my IRL one), what kind of shoes I think are stupid… Anything. It’s pretty damn simple. I’ll pick my favorite one (feel free to make me laugh) and BOOM, you get a bunch of a totally legit beauty products. It doesn’t hurt to follow me and the above brands on social media channels, especially since you’ll need a Sole Society account to redeem your credit.

Your deadline is my birthday: April 10th, at 12:14 p.m. PST, which is the exact time I arrived into this world 21-ish years ago, all bright eyed and glittery.

*NOTE: All product requests will be based on availability. Open to the continental U.S. only. Read policies and disclosures here before entering. Prizes courtesy of the brands participating, all of whom have no other affiliation with this contest. Buena suerte, babes.

♥ Naked Skin Weightless Ultra Definition Liquid Makeup
This foundation is basically Photoshop for your face. Coverage is matte, medium, and highly buildable, and it’s so incredibly weightless that I’ve committed the beauty felony of falling asleep with it on because I forget that I’m wearing it. I’ve switched shades 3 different times (thanks to seasonal coloring) without ever having to look to a new formula. They have 18 shades, many of which boast golden and rose undertones instead straight “yellow” or “pink” ones. This is really important for many Latinas as most of just don’t have yellow or pink in our skin, it’s a mixture of both, and most foundations don’t address that. This one does.

PRO TIP: If your formula ends up half a shade too dark, mix it up with an illuminizer to lighten it up. If it’s half a shade too light, use a bronzer to deepen it. They make perfect “in-between season” colors.

♥ Eyeshadow Primer Potion in “Greed”
This is an eyeshadow primer that is LEGENDARY for its ability to amplify your eyeshadow shades and keep them in place. No smudging, smearing, or settling into lines, which is key for those of y’all with oily eyelids. There are 4 shades available: the original formula applies nude but dries invisibly; “Eden,” a nude matte finish; and “Sin,” a champagne shimmer which turns entirely way too frosty on any Latina (or anyone with any gold in their skin) for my liking. After “Sin” was released, I hoped and prayed and wished for a yellow-toned primer, and boom! UD answered my query by releasing the fourth shade, “Greed,” a yellow-toned gold shimmer. Besides being a kick-ass primer, it highlights and accentuates the rosy, golden undertones of Hispanic skin, which means you can wear it alone or as a brow bone and inner eye highlighter. It also looks AMAZING under black eyeshadow as well; it adds a fun factor without going over to the beautifully messy dark side of glitter.

PRO TIP: Apply it underneath your lipstick, concentrating on the middle of your bottom lip, for a full, pouty, super sexy effect.

♥ Naked Basics Eyeshadow Palette
The Naked Basics Palette has five neutral shades that range from off-white (Venus) to dusty brown (Faint), which can be used alone or mixed together to come up with the perfect “nude” shade for your eyelid. The sixth shade, “Crave,” is a deep dark brown/black matte that you can use for a liner, contour, or shading. Foxy, a yellow-tinted beige, and Naked 2, a taupe-tinted skin tone color, are the standout shades for anyone with golden undertones. This palette is perfect for your no-makeup makeup look that we all know takes at least 6 products.

PRO TIP: If you went overboard on your shimmery illuminizer (whether it’s brow bone, nose bridge, cupid’s bow, or cheek bones), use the shade closest to your skin tone in this palette to tone it down.

♥ 24/7 Glide-On Eye Pencil in “Bourbon”
I could argue that any of UD’s 24-hour waterproof eye pencils are great for Latinas. They are! They’re all amazing, creamy, smudge-proof formulas and you’d be wise to pick them up in every color. However, if you must only get one, get “Bourbon.” Even though I’m married to black eyeliner, it can be aging and, depending on my current hair color, look a little harsh. “Bourbon” looks good with any hair color (even chola red/orange); the neutral brown shade has a bit of pink to it that brings out the rosiness of one’s cheeks. It also has a teensy weensy amount of gold glitter, which provides an overall metallic effect that brightens up your entire eye area, and helps this color shine on those with yellow-undertones as well.

PRO TIP: If you’re in a bind, smear this all over your eyelid for an on-the-go, sultry looking smoky eye. So pretty!

♥ De-Slick Oil Control Makeup Setting Spray
One of the very few curses about Latina skin is its ability to turn your face into an oil drum in the blink of an eye. That’s bad for beauty, especially in the middle of an all-night dance party. Your foundation needs to stay on, in case those stupid manchas are making an unwelcome appearance, am I right?! UD’s Oil-Control Makeup Spray not only keeps your makeup in place, it helps mattify your face throughout the night. You’ll still look super fierce when you make your 3am taco run on a Saturday night.

PRO TIP: Use this spray after your mascara dries to avoid smudges and smearing!