Over the past few weeks, I’ve been receiving hundreds of pitches asking me if I’m going to Coachella, or if I’m writing a post about Coachella beauty, or if I could do a product round-up for Coachella.
First of all, let’s be real: I’m far too pretty for Coachella. I don’t do well and I don’t look good when you put me in the middle of a desert surrounded by sweaty people on drugs. In fact, that’s pretty much my nightmare.
But you, you’re probably going, right?
Did you plan your ridiculous outfit yet? Let me guess: a flower crown, a crocheted crop top over a neon bandeau, jorts with some type of stud detail, and some hideous shoes that you probably overpaid for at Urban Outfitters?
Oops, sorry, didn’t mean to insult you. Look, I don’t care about your outfit. Whatever you wear will probably just end up in the trash covered in dirt, vom, and sweat, so who cares. Let’s talk about the important things.
What kind of beauty products are you taking? You’re going to the DESERT to PARTY for THREE days. Don’t you think you should change your beauty routine just a bit? What? No? You’re just going to take the same stuff you wear all the time?
Oh, okay. That’ll work.
Who needs a stay-all-day makeup spray? Bitch, you going to Indio to party your face off, and that includes your makeup. It’s not as if you’re going to be taking lots of duck-face selfies and posting them on Instagram, so who cares what you’re putting on your face anyway?
Between the heat, the humidity in the tents, and yours and other people’s sweat, you probably don’t need something like a face primer or eyeshadow primer to keep your eyeliner near your eyes and not somewhere down near your nose. Waterproof mascara? Well, if your mascara ends up running, you’re gonna be wearing your new Wayfarers, so it’s not like anyone will see it.
Antiperspirant? Yeah babe, take your trusty tube of Secret with you. It barely works in the LA heat but it’ll probably keep you safe from not only regular sweat but thigh chafe and boob sweat.
Sunscreen? Oh.. yeah… There’s that one you still have from like, last summer. It looks like there’s like an ounce left, that will TOTALLY suffice. It’s probably expired but you’ll be fine, right? I mean, you did the same thing last year and even though you got sunburned, this time you are SO bringing a hat. You’re TOTES good to go, girl, TOTES.
Who cares? It doesn’t even matter. You’ll probably be on drugs or too drunk to care. Look, I’m not saying you’re going to look ugly without some Coachella-proof reinforcements. I’m just saying you’re probably going to pay the price for it when you come back. That place is a breeding ground for sunburns, breakouts, and damaged hair. That’s why I don’t bother doing a Coachella beauty round-up. You hot messes don’t listen to me anyway.
Oh, what am I doing during Coachella weekend? I’m seeing some bands here in town. It’s the BEST TIME to go to shows in LA: no one’s here so the creep factor is practically zero; I’m super into it.
But you have fun at the show! Call me next week when you need some DIY sunburn remedies. I’ll be here, searching the #Coachella hashtag on Instagram and laughing.
Photo Credit: Julep