A letter of caution to all my future boyfriends (I’m looking at you, Adam Levine), or to any dude who wants to date a beauty blogger, makeup artist, or product junkie. This is your cheat sheet. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
Those aren’t my hands, but that is my actual lip print.
#1: Don’t Rush My Beauty Routine
I don’t care if no one’s going to see me, we’re not even getting out of the car, or we’re just making a Target run. We’ll leave when I decide my face is ready to leave. Don’t. Rush. Me. Believe me, you’d rather me show up 10 minutes late with a perfectly lipsticked smile than right-on-time with a scowl.
#2: Don’t Ask Why I Need Carry 12 Lip Products With Me At All Times
At any given time, my purse contains some version of this: 2-4 different lip balms (tinted and untinted), 2-3 shades each pink, red, and neutral lipsticks, 3 neutral glosses, a pink gloss, a shimmery gold gloss, a chubby lip pencil, and a lip stain. Yes, I absolutely need all of them, just in case I lose one, break one, decide pink doesn’t look good with this outfit, need some more staying power, or my lips get dry. I need to be prepared. Also, I like having options. Be grateful I don’t keep 12 dudes to date on-call at all times.
#3: Don’t Complain About the Glitter
I love glitter, but it’s a tricky little minx: it ends up everywhere. Years after we break up, you’ll still find some in your car, on your bed, and possibly on your face. I know, and I’m sorry. I’m not going to stop wearing it though, so don’t ask. Besides, it looks good on you.
#4: Be Pro-Active About the Messes I Make
No matter how much I try, I can never get all of my mascara off. When I spend the night at your place, it might end up on your pillowcase (next to all the glitter), just like my purple hair dye. Or my self-tanner/bronzing lotion. Oops. I’m sorry. I’m so used to this I forget that you’re not. Just keep black towels and a black pillowcase on hand for me, and maybe a pack of makeup wipes, and we’ll be okay.
#5: Don’t Complain When My Habits Rub Off On You
You used to be totally cool with a 3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/body wash (ew) and some shaving cream. Now your product collection rivals mine. It’s not my fault you want to look good for me. Just don’t take up any of my precious counter space.
#6: Don’t Ask Me Why I Would Pay Someone to Do Something I “Can Do At Home for Free”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked, “Why don’t you just paint your own nails / pluck your own eyebrows / dye your own hair / trim your own bangs?” It’s a stupid question. If I could, or if I wanted to – and some beauty girls do – I would! However, I feel those things are much better left to the professionals. I’d rather pluck all my leg hair out one by one than arch my own brows.
#7: NEVER Say, “Do You Really NEED a New Lipstick? You Have 12 In Your Purse!”
Don’t do it; it will be your kiss of death. Of course I don’t NEED a new lipstick, and of course I ABSOLUTELY need a new lipstick. If I say I need a new lipstick, there are 3 things you’re allowed to say:
- Let’s go to Sephora / Ulta / Macy’s!
- Let me buy it for you.
- Can you get one that tastes good in case I want to make out with you while you’re wearing it?
This doesn’t apply just to lipstick, by the way. If there’s a new product out and I want it, just agree with me that I need it. I don’t care if I have a million like it at home. I need it. For bonus points, buy it for me. If you promise to abide by these rules, you’ll be a very happy dude with a very hot and very happy girlfriend. It’s a win-win.